Posts Tagged ‘bereavement’

Moving On

Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010
Making it around that last corner

Making it around that last corner

You’ve heard of the five stages of grief probably in the context of death and dying (Elisabeth Kubler Ross). It’s a useful model, one of several to give yourself a framework, to understand various life changes which throw us into a transition process.

That’s the difficult part, after the change has actually happened. It’s the longer process to move on and get to wherever it is that you’re supposed to be next. It’s what I often call “limbo land.” And you’re not in charge.

Examples of these transitions:

  • becoming an “empty nester,”
  • going through a divorce or separation,
  • becoming a widow,
  • changing jobs,
  • changing careers entirely,
  • experiencing significant growth in  your business,
  • parental caregiving,
  • downsizing for a move,
  • and learning to live with a physical or mental health diagnosis.

The change doesn’t have to be a negative one.

When you think about the changes in your life, ANY change is difficult and any change takes you through these stages doesn’t it?

Because as you attempt to create your next chapter, you are giving up most or all of the last chapter — a grieving process.

The stages of grief: Think about them and the change you’re going through: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing and acceptance.

The Look Ahead, from the Beginning of Your Transition

The Look Ahead, from the Beginning of Your Transition

You can’t move ahead quickly enough, but you can’t push yourself any harder than you are as you process the emotions.

Many of my clients call me for organizing/coaching support at the Testing or Acceptance stage of their transition.

These are reasons clients look to organizing during a transition.

Maybe one or more of these will propel you just a bit faster through your transition, or help you identify where you’re stuck.

  • Downsizing her own things so that mom could move in. Give mom the space she needed and deserved.
  • Moving on from a divorce. Reclaiming the house as her own home, with her choices for furniture, decor, and which belongings would move her forward and not keep her in the past.
  • Claiming a space of her own: recreating her son’s room as a guest room plus her own space for knitting, sewing, quilting
  • Therapist suggested it. The “stuff” was affecting their marriage.
  • Retirement is ahead. Reorganizing her schedule/time and her home for fun and new activities in this new chapter.
  • Moving on after divorce. Going back to school so we created a study space and discussed time/schedules to allow for fun and school/study time.
  • Freelance writer takes a part time job and needs systems to support both careers.
  • Baby, new house & marriage all in one year
  • Moving. Not settled in. Time to move in and move on from her sibling’s death.
  • Children growing up. Time for her creativity and to explore her spirituality.
  • Managing life and household on your own, single for the first time in a long time.

Why organizing to support yourself?

The physical organizing process can be cathartic, supporting you through that one last turn around the final corner of your transition.

Organizing allows you have to have some level of control, when so much else is not in your control, at least for now.

Surrounding yourself with the belongings and activities you now love is one of many supports to get you through these changes.

Organizing points the way ahead with new systems for your next chapter.

Organizing with coaching assists you in identifying what is next, what’s important to you and what values are key now as this changing person wades through a transition process.

Acceptance

Acceptance

Start When You’re Ready.

Monday, March 22nd, 2010

There was the man who had taken care of his spouse for the past seven years. She had passed away about 6 months before I met him. There was the couple, only one of whom had survived a horrific car accident, ten years earlier. The woman whose divorce had been very difficult, a divorce which had been finalized a year prior to our first meeting.  And the woman in therapy, with several major life events behind her in the past two years.

Seven years, ten years, one year, two years.

Each person called when he or she was — what I call  — turning that last corner of those life events and transitions they’d just gone through.

Turning the last corner before moving onto a new chapter. Coming out of the forest, out of the fog, out of the muck, all phrases people have used to describe where they’d been.

I can see clearly now

I can see clearly now

During these times,  our mental energy and time is focused on dealing with our emotions. Getting through life one day at a time. As it needs to be.

What we forget about and don’t see until we’re coming through the fog is what’s happened to our surroundings — our home, our office, even our calendars and how we fill our time.

We’ve let the mail go, so it’s piled up. Or it’s in plastic bags and bins, waiting for us to go through it all, now that we have time.

It’s difficult to find anything in the bill paying or home office space. This room was where we put anything paper, or anything we couldn’t find a home for at that moment. Because the phone was ringing with another doctor’s appointment, or with a new friend asking us to get out of the office and enjoy the sunshine.

Another room has the beginnings of where sorting out was begun but never finished. Life got in the way. Now, who knows which bag holds the donations and which was for recycling.

Things are everywhere, because when we were taking care of someone else, we didn’t have time to stop and think. “Where does this go?”  The phone is ringing with a friend who wants you to go to a museum, so the mail gets dropped on the table for now. But we don’t get back to it; it’s still there a few days later with the next round of mail coming in.

Or our time. You used to have appointments throughout the week to take your spouse to. Now you don’t. You used to spend every Saturday with your mom going to museums and concerts; now there’s a void.

You get the picture. You may have this picture in your home and of your life. It may seem like there is no good place to start.

The fact that you’re thinking about what to do is a huge step in moving on. A few weeks, months or years ago, this didn’t bother you, that your house and belongings were out of sync with who you are, what is important to you, your values, priorities, who you are. But now it does, and that’s the first sign you’re ready to move on with reorganizing your home, your office or your time to reflect where you are today — perhaps with a little bit of who you are becoming.

However long it takes — 7, 10, 1 or 2 years – you’ll know when you’re ready to move on. You’ll feel it. Something shifts in your mind and in your heart. Something will be the last straw, that trigger that says “Okay, I’m ready. Enough. Time to get back to me again.”

That’s when a Certified Professional Organizer(R) can assist. We can be helpful simply by having the appointment “with yourself.”  You may know exactly what needs to get done, but it’s hard to fit into your new life.

Or you don’t know what needs to get done, or aren’t sure where to start — and that’s where we also support, with new skills and systems or collaborating to tailor what you’ve put in place but which has to change to fit the new chapter of your life. We assist you in moving on. We get you started or stay for the duration, whatever works for you, your schedule, your budget and your skills.

But first you have to call. And that will be the second huge step you take towards your next new chapter.  Two steps already. Didn’t seem possible a few days ago, did it? Good for you. Nice work.

Old Me or New Me?

Tuesday, January 12th, 2010

blossoming “Blossoms”

You’ve been divorced or perhaps widowed for awhile now — whatever awhile is to you. You’re living in the same home you’ve lived in for all those years but it’s starting to feel different. Something subtle or stark is out of kilter for you.

The difference is that your mindset is changing. You’re ready for creating the next chapter in life. You’ve realized it is time to move on. It’s now your time to create a next chapter. You’re spreading your wings bit by bit, blossoming a little at a time. How can you organize your home to reflect the new or changed “you”? Or your new chapter?

Key questions to ask yourself before you change anything:

#1  As you think about moving forward and creating your next chapter, reflect on what’s important to bring forward with you? Which memories. Which experiences.

Are they represented in your heart or in objects? Does an object trigger a memory? How many are needed to trigger the memory though (as in a collection).

Can you think of someone in your family or extended family who might enjoy some of the collection? Do you need a photograph of you with the collection to remind yourself or not?

#2  Are there special items you don’t really want to keep but you do want kept in your family? You could designate items for certain people and give them as gifts at a birthday, Valentine’s Day, or even at a family reunion. Is anyone setting up house, like a recent graduate, an upcoming wedding ? Is there a gift here? The object AND the memories. The tales, stories, family history.

#3  As you look at each room, ask yourself: what do I want this room to be now? What can I do with the room? Rooms get cluttered easily if they don’t have a purpose for being. Or they have too many purposes! So how can you repurpose this room? And maybe this room needs not only the reorganization but treat yourself to new paint, hiring a decorator, a new closet system, too!

#4  What was the essence of the person you loved and lost. The essence is what you want to keep near you somehow. But it doesn’t mean, as you move forward to your next chapter and on your own, that ALL of his/her things need to make the journey. You’re making a new chapter, so bring the best forward. Create a memory box — just a simple box, however large you see fit, and keep the best memories. On your closet shelf, if the box were kept there, you’d see those memories every day, which may be comforting for awhile still. So what’s the essence of the person and how you can bring that forward with you into your next chapter, and reflected in your home’s organization.

#5  Last question. This will be a sentimental and sometimes difficult time. You may want to work alone so you can privately work through your reorganization. Or the opposite may be true. You may need a friend, counselor or an organizer alongside. Someone to help you walk the path, help you make decisions about which you’ll have no regrets,  and to talk through some of the memories as you say goodbye to objects.  Trust your instincts about whether you need your community around you at this point.

Possibilities Abound

Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009

A close friend dropped by recently and brought her mom, looking a bit older than when I’d last seen her.  But who wouldn’t look older – or at least look their years for the first time– when one’s spouse of 50+ years had recently died. No doubt the year-long battle with cancer added more lines than it had the right to, to her soft skinned face. After the funeral, the house was filled with relatives, flowers, grandchildren’s laughter, but no voice of Papa. (more…)