Recen
tly, I read a life coach’s blog in which most paragraphs started with the phrase “You just have to.”
Like that’s so simple. The phrase really turned me off. I made myself continue to read on in case the tone changed. (No.) I suppose it’s possible this is a marketing approach, that if you can’t “just” do it yourself, you’d call on this person.
But it made me wary of how that relationship would work. I can see the finger shaking, as if I’ve failed already. I wanted to hide.
I can’t imagine speaking to my clients (or anyone in my life, really) in this manner.
You just have to … find a filing system that works for you.
You just have to realize your children will grow up and leave the nest and figure out what to do next with your life.
You just have to realize you won’t make as much selling your house as you would have a few years ago …
You just have to move on after your husband’s death.
You don’t have to do anything at someone else’s pace.
Do it at your own pace. Stand your ground.
If you aren’t ready to go through your adult children’s rooms to clear them out, wait. Wait until you know how else you’d like to use that space. Remember your hobbies and passions before you raised your children. Create your own space in one of their rooms. But in your own time.
Or do it in stages. If someone close to you has died, it will be easier to go through some of their belongings than others. Try the easier stuff first, whenever you’re ready. Wait some time until you’re ready to go through more.
Have patience with yourself.
Grief takes it own time we know, and going through someone’s belongings is a useful but difficult way to process and think through some of your feelings.
Same goes if you are moving. Where you live now is filled with memories. Intellectually, you know you’ll make new ones. But give yourself time to pack and take those memory lane strolls. This is the hardest part, that in between stage where you’re going to have to rest for awhile, even if you want to push ahead to make the new memories.
Notice why you are not moving on or making any change.
It may be emotions you need to work through. It may be procrastination, or worry about taking a risk, or not knowing where you want to head next.
Have you been through this before? How long do you think is reasonable? Are you there yet?
If you’re past that point, take stock of what’s going on. Journal, create, talk to a friend, meditate. Slow down enough to notice why you’re stuck. Much of this about “noticing,” because noticing leads you to understand what the single issue that’s preventing you from moving forward. Often we are in a cloud of reasons. Break it down. Talk it out. Write it down. Sort it out.
And even when you ARE ready
Even when you are ready to go through mom’s things, or make your child’s room into a new space for you, or tackle the paper piles you may want outside support or structure.
If you want to get from point A to point B quickly, that’s a reason to hire experience.
If you have tried on your own and the stuff keeps coming back, that’s a reason to hire experience.
If you need a deadline, some accountability — that could be a friend, or an organizer coach, depending on the other skills you need to support you.
We can all read, anywhere and everywhere it seems, about “how to” get more organized. Tips, tricks and products.
What’s difficult is applying what you read to your specific situation. And it’s often more about how you’re wired and knowing yourself well enough to figure out which of all those organizing systems will work, consistently, for you.
So it’s really not “just” that easy, is it.
Tags: bereavement, choices, moving on, transitions
